Epic Meaninglessness
by Kalamazoo222
Summary: Come venture into the Twilight world of Harry Potter...If you dare! Join Kalamazoo in his random and erroneous adventures including thumb wrestles, cartwheels, and bathroom humor.
1. Amiable Chuckles

Twilight POV

Edward was gazing deeply into his fair Bella's chocolaty brownish eyes. It felt to him like he could fall into their dark depths for eternity. Bella was feeling similar feelings of gushy emotion. Edward had just returned from his moody bipolar menstrual cycle where he thought his absence would benefit Bella's happiness. Instead, she had gone psycho, and depression had driven her to the brink of insanity. A _normal_ person would have realized her insanity in the first place but, being the stupid vampire boy he was, Edward had left and taken his moody bipolar-ness with him. Now he and his moody bipolar menstrual cycles were back and Bella was beside herself with joy.

"Bella. . ." he said, dramatically pausing with pent-up emotion.

"Edward?" Bella said eagerly, thinking he was going to say they could finally do some sexin!

"I have to go away, girl." He said it very casually and Bella felt like Swiss cheese again.

"Wha...a...a...a...t?" she squeaked with incomprehension.

"Yes," he sighed. He turned to her with a bright smile on his face but then saw she was close to tears. "JK, darling!" he exclaimed. "You're coming with me this time!" He covered his mouth to hide his giggles. _Man_-giggles!

"Oh, Edward you're so funny!" she fake laughed. Inside her heart, she would never forgive him.

"Carlisle wants us to meet an old friend that he's known since childhood, and he wants to bring the family along for the...broomstick ride!"

"Broomstick ride?" Bella said with eager interest. "That sounds like Harry Potter!"

"Funny you should say that," said Edward slyly and then whoosh, the Cullens were at Hogwarts!

Dun...dun...daaaaa...

Harry Potter POV

"Hermione! We must help Harry."

"Ron, he's just going to the bathroom," sighed Hermione.

"But he's constipated!" shouted Ron, gesticulating wildly.

Harry suddenly appeared. "What are you yelling about Ron!"

Ron whipped his head around with gusto. "Harry! You made it out alive."

"What are you talking about?" asked Harry, confused.

"You were in the bathroom for like ever!" His freckled friend exclaimed like a teenage girl.

Harry's brow furrowed. "Er...I was never _in _this bathroom."

Ron was dumbfounded. "But then...who was that?"

Hermione, always the smartass, gently placed her hand upon her beloved's shoulder. "That was simply a hallucination, dear, that you conjured up due to your over-eating of sugar and the unusual bromance the two of you share."

Harry grinned roguishly. "Getting a little jealous, Hermione?" he asked. The cheek!

Hermione scowled. "How could you utter such nonsense!"

Ron, trying to be cool...but never succeeding, put his arm around his girl. "You know you're my one and only, Hermycakes!" But when she looked away to see Professor McGonagol lecturing to two unruly students, Ron turned to Harry and mouthed, 'Just kidding. You and me, forever!' He made a heart with his hands and he and Harry shared a bromantic smile of mannish love.

Six vampires with one human to haul, the Family Cullen/Hale/Swan dashed across the school grounds, dodging the Whomping Willow, hurtling past the Black Lake. In . Slow. Motion. Dumbledore was there in the Great Hall, beaming with his usual smile of graciousness and mischief. "Good evening," the headmaster said, trying to sound vampiric.

"Dumbledore," sighed Carlisle. "That is one sad vampire voice. I do _not_ sound like that."

"My apologies, longtime friend," said he with an amiable chuckle, "Hee. Hee."

Carlisle added in his own amiable chuckle...that sounded strangely like Santa Claus. "Ho Ho!"

Bella looked at Edward. "Who's the old guy with the beard and the moon glasses?"

Edward looked at Bella as Bella looked away. "That's Carlisle's childhood friend, since their day of conception."

Bella looked at Edward as Edward looked away. "You mean, they were concepted at the same. Moment. Of. Time?"

Edward looked at Bella as Bella looked away. "No! Where would you get a crazy idea like that?"

Bella shook her head. "Beside the point. I thought he'd be a little more...intellectual."

Edward grimaced as Carlisle and Dumbledore engaged in their Epic Thumb War. "They get a tad... immature when they are around each other."

Carlisle's thumb speed was no match for Dumbledore's magically engorged appendage. The vampire hung his head in final defeat and Dumbledore began cabbage patching in victory, then added in a little running man for flavor.

Esme kindly cleared her throat, adding pleases and thank-yous into the action. Not many can do that, mind you. Carlilse embarrassedly cleared his throat adding blushes and sheepish glances into the action. Not many can do that either. "Dumbledore," he said now in a forced business-like tone. "We were wondering if there may be working positions at your school and sleeping arrangements, if at all possible. The kids can enroll of course, and my wife and I are more than happy to work. She would teach Vampire History and I can work in the Infirmary."

Dumbledore clapped his hands. "That's so wonderful! I'm thrilled. Hang on!" He cart-wheeled and back-flipped down the Great Hall until he landed in front of them again. The Cullens all held up Olympic Scoring Cards: 8, 9.5, 10, 9.5, 8.5, 9, X10. They all clapped with heartfelt cheer. "Come to my office and we can get everything settled and the children sorted!" And the great wizard and the Cullen crew headed _off_ to the _off_ice.


	2. Sorting Mania

In the great Great Hall, five vampires and one measly human stood in a row, quaking in their boots as they waited to be sorted. Most of the students were immensely intrigued by the newcomers and some were simply annoyed by the attractive vampires who were stealing their sweetheart's attention. Professor McGonagall introduced the individuals and briefly explained their reasons for joining the 'Hogwarts clan.'

"_Ladies and Gentleman...May I have you attention, pur-lease!"_ The students all turned around, surprised that she was singing to them like the young cockney British child from Sweeney Todd. "These remarkable visitors are here to receive and experience the rare opportunity of a Hogwarts education. They will be sorted this evening into their own houses before we begin our feast."

"_NO!_" Ron Weasley exclaimed in horror. "I'm starving to death over here. Why must you torture us so!"

The redhead was ignored as the Sorting Hat was presented and placed on the stool. It was immobile at the moment but with a sigh, it began to move.

"Oh shit!" Emmett yelped, jerking back when the inanimate object seemed to glance at him. "Rosie did that hat just _move?"_

"Shut up, Em. You're being immature."

"But it _looked _at me!"

"Shh."

McGonagall glanced sternly at the group. "The Sorting Hat will sing a brief song as is the tradition before a sorting session."

"Since this is not a traditional session, I believe that I will entertain you with one of the best songs from one of the world's greatest entertainers!" the Hat announced.

"Jasper! Are you hearing this? The hat just talked!" Emmett whispered.

Jasper gave his friend a weird look. "Shh. Dude, he's going to sing."

Emmett seemed incapable of accepting the surreal moment. "A singing hat! What _is_ this_?_"

_Oh woooah, oh woooooah, oh wooooah, oh.  
>You know you love me, I know you care,<br>you shout whenever and I'll be there.  
>You are my love, you are my heart<br>and we will never ever ever be apart.  
>Are we an item? girl quit playing,<br>we're just friends, what are you saying.  
>Said there's another, look right in my eyes,<br>my first love broke my heart for the first time.  
>And I was like…<em>

_Baby, baby, baby oooooh,  
>like baby, baby, baby noooooooo,<br>like baby, baby, baby, ooooh.  
>Thought you'd always be mine, mine<em>

As the Hat sang his heart out to the one and only Justin Bieber, two beings appeared behind him. A vampire named Octavious and a killer panther named Nancy began dancing back-up in very complicated maneuvers and patterns. Unfortunately, Rosalie despised anything related to thirteen year old girls singing off-key, so she stepped in front of the hat and glared down at him until he stopped.

"_Baby, baby, baby oooooh," _he sang passionately. Then he looked up to see the fearsome blonde drilling holes into his leathery head._"Like baby, baby...baby...noo..oo..oo...oh." _He finished lamely, terrified.

She smirked. "No Bieber." She began to stalk away.

"I beg your pardon, madam!"

"_No Bieber!"_ she shrieked, without turning around.

"Am I on acid or something?" Emmett exclaimed, watching as the back-up dancers cabbage-patched out the door and the Hat hung his head, sulking.

A first year who sat near the Cullens glanced at him innocently. "What's acid, sir?" he inquired of Nearly Headless Nick.

Nick looked uncomfortable. "Oh dear. Nothing you need to worry about, young boy. Stay in school... Hugs not drugs..." Then he up and floated away leaving the poor boy confused and curious. Uh-oh.

"Enough of this rumpus! The creatures must be sorted!" Snape announced, sweeping his cape in a flourish of frustration. Professor Sprout gave him a weird look, somewhat terrified he was going to decapitate her with his cloak.

"Snape's right. Hatty, let's begin the sorting!" McGonagall agreed, pulling Edward along and plopping him down on the stool.

"Fine." He was placed atop the bronze-head and sighed, taking in the complicated thoughts. "Huh...Well...This is a strange head. Full of self-loathing and angst. Ew. _Gross_. Oh wait. Hold up. There's some ugly girl coming into focus. Double ew. What the hell! She's not leaving! It's consuming everything. Ahh! Oh shit. OK. You know. You remind me of the Cedric Diggory kid. Are you sure you're not the same person?"

Edward, who hadn't been listening very well, staring creepily at Bella who was glancing around the Great Hall in wonder, returned his attentions to the Hat and glared. "Yes. I'm sure. I'm a vampire."

"Doesn't mean much. Diggory supposedly died three years ago. And you look exactly alike!"

"I'm not him! I swear."

"Whatever. He was in Hufflepuff. I'll put you there too for lack of a better place. All you seem to think about is that ass-ugly chick."

"Wait. What?"

"Better be...HUFFLEPUFF!"

The Hufflepuff's cheered and clapped, happy that such an attractive specimen would be joining them.

McGonagall made to pull Rosalie along but the Hat took one look at her and screamed. "Ahh! No way. Slytherin all the way! Go. Just go!"

Rosalie, quite pleased at making the pathetic hat afraid of her, flounced away and shoved aside a very enamored Draco Malfoy so she could sit and watch her husband get sorted.

Emmett was next and though he was rather freaked by the fact the Hat could talk and fucking look at him, he sat down with great courage. "Well...what to do with you. You are far from intelligent and entirely too whipped by that scary blonde of yours, but you have a heart of gold and a strong sense of bravery. Better be... GRYFFINDOR!"

"Hell yeah! That's what it's all about!" Emmett exclaimed. He placed the Hat on the stool and turned around. "High-five!" But then he frowned and glanced around in embarrassment. "Oh. Right. Sorry about that."

The Hat glared up at him in envy and annoyance. "Just...go away, buttwipe."

Alice, needing no introduction, lithely danced over to the stool and placed the hat atop her head. "What's the verdict, _Cap_'n?"

The Hat groaned at the mass of thoughts flitting into his mind. "What is this? It's like a hyperactive chipmunk on steroids. I'm getting attacked by your mind and knowledge. Ahh! Not the future! How can so much be crammed into this tiny head! RAVENCLAW!" he roared in aggravation and head pain. Alice giggled (rather sadistically, he thought) and joined her amazed and awed table. "If that doesn't cause a migraine, I don't know what will," muttered the Hat.

McGonagall then lead Bella to the stool who blushed and stumbled as she placed the Hat on her own head. The Hat gasped in pain and attempted to break free from the confines of Bella's cranium. Edward glared at the Hat in jealousy, wishing he himself could be placed on his beloved's head to hear her impressive thoughts. However, the Hat would not wish the pain of being inside of the brunette's head on anyone. "Oh my God! This is torture! This is worse than being set on fire by Voldemort! Oh the agony! Horror! Despair! Anguish! Just...go with that Cedric Diggory wannabe. HUFFLEPUFF!"

"Yeah! Woo! That's right, bitches!" Edward cheered while everyone else in the hall remained silent, especially the Hufflepuffs who were staring on in shame at getting stuck with the brain-dead chick.

Jasper was the last one and he gracefully strolled to the stool, placing the Hat on his head. The Hat hummed in thought and slowly, a smile appeared on his wrinkled face. "Finally," he murmured. "Someone worthy. You have had a complicated history, my friend. You have been heroic and stared in the face of adversity. You are truly noble!"

Jasper stared on, face expressionless. "Yes," sighed the Hat. "Can you just stay here for eternity?" he breathed. But Jasper waited patiently and silently for the Hat to speak. "Fine, fine. GRYFFINDOR!"

Jasper went to join Emmett at the table. "I love you," whispered the Hat. "Don't leave me!"

"What?" Jasper asked, turning around.

"N-nothing!" stammered the Hat and then it went immobile, happy that the sorting was over. For the rest of his days, he would long for Jasper Hale.

"Can we PLEASE eat now!" Ron Weasley yelled, inches away from eating the table cloth. Food magically appeared for them and he stuffed his entire head into a plate of chicken. The sight totally turned Hermione on.


	3. Shut Your Magic Wand

A/N: Hi

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><p>The Cullens were enjoying their stay at Hogwarts. Although 'enjoying' might be a strong, because what the vamp clan (plus one human) hadn't considered was the fact that none of them were actually wizards. This proved a difficult problem when they were attempting spells in their classes.<p>

"_Bombardo!"_ Emmett shouted, waving his wand (not _that _one), wildly. His goal was to break down the wall of bricks before him. Unfortunately, no matter how many times he waved his magic wand of manliness, the wall proved impenetrable.

"Bom_bardo! Bom_bardo_! __**Bombardo**__!_ AHHHHHHH!" Aggravated to within an inch of his long vampiric life, Emmett looked around wildly, in a wild vampiric rage. "I'm in a RAAAAGE!" He shouted. Flinging his magic wand of manliness, he dove head first into his arch nemesis…The Wall of Doom.

Just then, Jasper came strolling in from his skinny dip in the Black Lake. All he saw was an Emmett shaped hole in a randomly placed wall. "Huh," he murmured, pulling out his wand (again, not_ that_ one, he already had that one out ;). "_Reparo_," he muttered calmly, and The Wall of Doom repaired itself so beautifully, it shed its very own tears.

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"You know what Harry," Ron said, apropos of nothing. "I would have such a calmer life if I wasn't your friend."

"Oh, thanks Ron. Thanks for telling me. Next time you or your sister or your dad is in some sort of danger, I won't save their life."

"Isn't it because you're my friend that my family's been in danger?"

"I…" Harry paused. "Shut up."

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Far away in a tower of the castle, Alice was showcasing her personal seer capabilities to one Professor Trelawney.

Trelawney looked at her with her large buggy eyes and told her solemnly, "My dear…you are in gra-a-a-ave danger!"

Alice looked at her unimpressed. Then she looked into the future. (Cue _That's So Raven_ theme song) "Not from what I can tell, soul sister. But," she leaned forward. "If I were you, I would make some careful choices. And beware of a centaur and a lady in pink. That's all I have to tell you."

Trelawney's buggy eyes widened. "Young lady, who are you to tell me such things!"

Alice looked deeply into her buggy eyes. "I am…The Grim. I am…_your_ Grim."

Trelawney clutched her chest in fear. Because of this very conversation, she would turn to the drink in order escape her fears. All because of Alice Cullen.

Alice knew of course, but she didn't care much. Especially when she looked into the future and saw a bunch of girls mesmerized by Jasper and his magic wand (yes_ that_ one).

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"Ew, Hermione," said Ginny, out of nowhere. "How can you be with Ron Weasley? He doesn't even clean his feet."

Hermione stared at her. "He's your brother."

"Yeah, but you've actually kissed."

"Yes, it was very nice. It tasted like chicken."

"Gross. And you've seen his magic wand."

"You mean…_that_ one?"

"Yes _that_ one."

"I…" Hermione paused. "Shut up."

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Esme loved her job. She _loved_ it! Esme loved loved loved her job! Everything was sunshine and rainbows and puppies. She got to stand, get this, in front…of a chalkboard. And talk to students. And even hand out graded tests and papers. It was like heaven and all of the kids were like _her_ kids. She was their mother. She loved them all. ALL. OF. THEM.

"AAAA's," she sang, walking into the room with a basket of graded papers. She started passing out the history report on veggie vampirism. "A's for everyone," she swooned, flinging the papers all over the classroom. She stopped short when she saw Emmett brooding in the corner of the classroom. "Except for you Emmett. You suck. What is this?" She held up a drawing of badly drawn vampires chasing some..._thing_.

Emmett frowned in annoyance. "Um…veggie vampirism, ma. What else?"

"It was supposed to be hand written. What the hell are they chasing?"

"A deer. Duh."

Esme looked at it. A miraculous tear trailed down her cheek. It was beautiful.

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"So, this is nice."

"Very nice."

Ron and Hermione smiled at each other with love. They sipped their pumpkin juice as they gazed into one another's eyes.

"I wanted to tell you, I was talking to some of the house elves the other day."

"Oh yeah?" Hermione was annoyed. Could they not go one day without talking about the house elves? (This is a completely in character interpretation, by the way. Of course, dear Hermione, would say that.)

"Yes, and I've been doing extra research in addition to studying for my N.E.W.T.S. and I have to say, species equality is truly an overlooked phenomenon in our history. I mean, the true magnitude centaurs have gone through just to retain their seclusion. Not to mention the Merpeople rebellions back in—"

"Ron?"

"Yes?"

"Shut up." Hermione paused. "Kiss me."

"…OK."

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"I love you with every fiber of my being," rhapsodized Draco Malfoy. "Except, you know, the ones that are devoted to me."

"Get away from me," Rosalie muttered, walking down the hallway.

"Your hair is like a cascade of shining gold, like all the money I have in my mansion."

"Shut the fuck up."

"One day, you will leave that stupid vampire you're with, and get with a man who really knows how to handle his magic wand."

"Do you want me to punch you?" Rosalie turned into the Great Hall for lunch. There she met up with the rest of her coven. Luckily the girl with blond hair was out of her sight.

She happily took a seat in between Alice and Emmett and went to pull a flask of blood from the cooler in front of them.

Alice shook her head. "You don't want to drink that. Draco Malfoy laced it with a love potion."

"Who?"

Alice nodded back at the Slytherin table where Draco was smirking smirkily with his band of thugs.

"The girl with the blond hair and smirk?"

"I think it's a boy."

Rosalie scoffed. "That bitch. She'll get what's coming to her." With her super cat-like (or vampire-like) reflexes, she sauntered over to Draco.

"It's a boy!" Alice shouted after her.

Rosalie finally made it to the table. "Hello there," she murmured seductively, leaning forward.

"H-hi," said Draco with dazed eyes. Rosalie smiled and unbeknownst to the rest of the Slytherins, poured the laced blood into Draco's pumpkin juice. Ew, by the way.

"A toast," said Rose, holding up the flask. "To new love."

Draco grinned widely and grabbed his juice. "New love," he exclaimed.

They drank. Or at least, Draco did. A very long draught, thirsty as he was.

His eyes opened. And Rose was gone. Gasp! Shock! Horror!

But suddenly, his eyes captured those of a beautiful female. Eyes of a spectacularly gold hue. Hair a multicolored array of beauty. A body begging to be held in his arms.

Alas, she was in someone else's.

That bastard, Argus Filch, was holding Mrs. Norris as though she belonged to him. But he was wrong. He could never love her like Draco loved her.

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Snape entered Grimauld Place, ready to discuss strategies with Lupin and Black and get the hell out of here as soon as possible.

When he reached the living room he was appalled by what he saw.

A fire was crackling in the fireplace, casting the room in romantic lighting. And there on the couch was Sirius Black and Remus Lupin. On the couch. Cuddling.

"Hey Snivellus," said Black casually, pecking Lupin on the temple.

Lupin snuggled closer to him. "Oh hello, Severus. How are you, mate? Have some chocolate."

He handed him a heart-shaped box of chocolates. Snape cleared his throat. "I can..er…come back later i-if you—"

"No," Sirius looked at him from under his lashes and extended an arm. "Why don't you," he smiled. "Join us?"

Snape blushed. "Oh shut up."

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Edward was gazing in love and affection at his beautiful human. It had been quite an adjustment, making Bella comfortable here. Mostly because she couldn't really see the castle. Or practice spells. Because she wasn't a witch. In case you were wondering.

But wherever Edward went, Bella followed. Because he knew she'd probably jump off a cliff otherwise. It had happened before.

At the moment, Bella was gazing into the distance. Edward wasn't really sure what she was seeing. He handed her a magic wand (not_ that_ one), and told her to turn a raven into a writing desk. Easier said than done, because, well, she couldn't see.

"Hi…Ced-er I mean, Edward," said a breathy voice next to him.

Edward jumped and squealed. In, yanno, a manly way. Oh. It was that creepy asian chick. The one who thought he was her dead boyfriend. Weirdo.

"Yes," she cleared her throat, gathering her thoughts. "I was wondering i-if—"

Edward turned. Bella was waving her hand around, unable to see it in her hand. Somehow she had managed to charm Neville Longbottom's hair to start dancing atop his head. "Bella! Bella stop!"

She turned her wide chocolate eyes to Edward's. "Sorry, sugar plum," she said sweetly. She waved her wand around (not _that_ wand, she didn't even have that kind of wand, silly). "But I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT I'M DOING!" She raged, standing over Edward who was whimpering helplessly underneath her. She was terrifying.

He ran a hand nervously through his hair. "Right well."

"Hey, stop picking on my Cedric!" shouted the asian girl.

Bella stared at her. And then burst into a torrential storm of tears. "I-I'm so soooooooorrrrrrryyyyyy!" she sobbed. She looked at the girl. "I just don't know where I aaaaaammmmmmmm!"

The other chick was unimpressed. "Just walk that way," she said. As Bella ran away, she bonked her noggin on a wall and then unceremoniously plopped to the floor, unconscious. The other girl turned to the cowering vampire, flickering her wand absently to fix Neville's hair. "Are you OK, Ceddy?"

"What, yes, uh…" Edward stood up and fixed his shirt. "I…you're Chow Mein right?"

"Cho Chang."

"Right. Right! I was close. Now I'm hungry."

They smiled sweetly at each other.

DUN DUN DUUUUUNNNN

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><p>AN: Bye


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